As I write this, Its 12:04 am on the clock here in Pakistan. And its 25th May,2018 on the calendar and I was watching suits season 7 and suddenly I started to feel a little over whelmed all of a sudden that I stopped watching my favorite tv show. I can’t figure out what tipped me off, all I know is that I need to let it out and since it is really hard for me to explain and open up to an actual living human beings so I am resorting to Microsoft word and if I think I make sense I may just upload this to my WordPress blog that haven’t been updated for years. I’m listening to tera wuh pyar in the backgrounds and my emotions are not coming out because I had a breakup or I have a crush on someone who doesn’t even know I exist. It is about me being an average individual who has no dreams or passion in life. I don’t even know if that’s normal or not.
So, I graduated from university last year. I took a gap year to prepare myself for a competitive exam. I took the exams in February this year and ever since I got free I have been looking for job and work opportunities. Sadly, I didn’t have any luck with that. Here comes my first feeling; envy/jealousy. Ever since I graduated, I haven’t really been productive. People of my age are doing wonders and going places. They have purpose and ambition to get to where they want to be. Be it jobs, financial independence, educational carriers, or married life. Everyone has something on their plates. And I don’t even know what I want to eat, let alone getting it in my plate.
This leads to my second feeling; confusion. Now that I’m done with what I was supposed to do in my gap year, I’m moving forward to pursuing my master’s degree. The problem with that is I don’t know if I really want to do it or if I’m just doing it for lack of a better alternative and I want to keep myself busy. While I don’t have anything to do, I do something new every week. Two months ago, I thought of making a YouTube channel. I couldn’t come down to it because of the fact that my mother didn’t agree to it and because I didn’t feel SO passionate about it and lacked motivation. A month ago, I tried painting. That gave me joy. I wouldn’t lie. But then I suddenly stopped doing it, just like that. Then I started journaling and I quit that too. A week ago, I created a photography page and thought I could make a carrier out of it but every day I question my choice and wish to become a photographer. I don’t know why I do that but I like taking photographs that is for sure. And I’d like to believe I’m good at that too. But like I thought I was good at drawing when really, I wasn’t. I know that because I got a C+ on a drawing course that I took in my sophomore. I was really happy when I took that course but the result dawned the reality on me that it’s not necessary that you must be good at something that makes you happy. This feeling stuck in my skin ever since I read something on Syed Muzammil Hassan’s (house of LOLz guy) Instagram. I can’t relocate that post so I can’t quote him. But as far as I remembered, it was about the glorification of doing fancy things in your carrier. And going for your passions. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s is a difference between having occasional hobbies and having fulltime professions. Like, we all like eating, doesn’t mean that we all know cooking too. We should go after things that we are good at. we should invest time, energy and resources into things that we are really good at and not on thing that we merely like. This whole thing messed up with my mind. I like taking photographs. How can I figure out if I am actually good at it or not until I don’t go and actually do it and that requires investment.
That brings us to the next feeling; doubt. I don’t know if the competitive exam that I took will bear any return or not. Theoretically in my head, I’m okay with whatever the result is. But I know I will be devasted if I don’t get it through because then it would make me question my decision. Was that even worthwhile? I go and tell everyone that, it was the best decision I ever made in my entire life because I learnt a lot while I was at it. I had something exciting to look forward to every day I woke up. I experienced loads of emotions and I miss that time but really was it worthwhile? Besides that, me not getting a job as easily as my peers did; is it a sign of something better or that I am not trying as hard as I should?
That links us to the next feeling; self-pity. Like I mentioned, I made a photography page. And I question myself every day for making that choice. That’s because I don’t know if that’s what I really want to do. Maybe I am not good enough or maybe it is not for me. I feel sorry for myself because my mother doesn’t support me on going out and get my creative juices flow in creating content for my page. And I feel sorry for myself because I lack the conviction it takes to make someone agree to your terms. I feel sorry for myself because I lack passion and motivation. I feel apologetic because I don’t how to get these two attributes in myself.
I just saw this Instagram story of this kid who just got done with her fsc board exams two days and there she was with Momina Mustehsan and Uzair Jaswal in an intimate gathering. She’s a kid who has got her photography game amped up in a very little time and I don’t know how she hacked that. I feel sad because she could and I couldn’t. And because she got it easy, and I didn’t. Or perhaps that’s because I didn’t try and she did.
One of my closest friend tagged me in a Facebook post that was about 10 things every woman should do before she dies. Those 10 things were cut your hair short, travel alone, spend the whole day eating your favorite food, forgive someone, quite the job you hate, learn martial art for self-defense, go to karaoke alone, try an extreme sport, confess your feeling to your crush, live a day without your phone. It made me feel sorry about myself. I couldn’t convince my mother all this while to let me cut my hair short and to let me travel with people, let alone alone. Sad that I can’t quite a job that I hate because last time I checked I don’t have any job to begin with. Copying the reason for not cutting my hair short here as the reason for not going to karaoke alone, trying an extreme sport, learning martial art or anything new for that matter. However, confessed feelings to crush and lived a day without my phone. Because hey that didn’t involve any third party’s permission or my conviction. I don’t know whether or not are these reasons excuses or real reasons that make sense. Whoever is reading, do not make it sound like I’m complaining that I’m being controlled or that this sounds like a brown desi girl problem. The problem is me. Its me who feels disconnected, complexed and confused. I feel I don’t have any talent that it takes you to be cool or interesting.
I feel sad because I was a social butterfly nearly my entire life but now I don’t have anyone to count on. Well I may have two to three people but I fear they’ll go away too because as much as I appreciate low maintenance friends because I want them to appreciate me for being one. But when it really comes down to thinking of it, I want people to always stick around and be okay if I don’t do the same. And when It doesn’t happen so, I act up and feel bad about myself. It makes me wonder if I’m really messed up or is it them who are ignorant for not regarding my terms. I feel really inexpressive at times while communicating my emotions to people because I believe it takes a lot of energy to make people understand me. I feel it’s okay for not trying to put efforts in a relationship but when people try to pull off the same explanation, I lose my shit. Is it me or is it them?
Am I the only one who is untalented stupid individual who doesn’t have dreams and ambitions, lacks motivation and conviction? Is it normal? Am I normal?