If I had told him.

images“I really like sleeping. It’s like having the best of both the worlds. You get to be unconscious, yet alive.  Dreaming is a bonus! A cherry on top of a cake.”

I woke up with a thump at my door. I knew it was her, Alycia! It was definitely her. She was a blonde sharing my studio apartment. She and I went to the same college. She was more of  a responsible and reasonable person, contrary to me. I was (admitting it shamelessly, though) much of a ruthless and irresponsible being. Life happens to you and it demands you to live it as if no tomorrow. When nobody knows whats going to happen the next second, why plan your whole life, then? That is what I believe. Whereas, she was pretty organized and well planned sort of a person.

We have had been very good friends since we went to same school and now we were sharing our college too. Also, the apartment.We were off from college for the for the Christmas. I was very much into music and event management. She, on the other hand, liked cooking and baking. To support me with the apartment and college expense, she started to work at a coffee shop. Boredom forced me to look for some activity for myself. I would starve myself and die (if I had to) but not comprise on buying myself some quality music records and some lavish books. So this urge pushed me to a music store, which had books too, nearby. Walking along the sea shore on a chilly and snowy evening, under the cloudy sky at a  temperature of -20 degrees was certainly not a good idea. But that was merely an after thought, anyway. Pink Floyd had just released their new album that I was looking forward to buy. As I entered the door of the music store, the heated air from the inside of the store, braced me. Trust me, that was a heaven on earth. I quickly grabbed the albums, I was looking for. Now it was time for searching the books. I was recklessly digging out books from their respective shelves, that I saw a  book by Daniel Steel on a higher shelf. Struggling hard to have an access to the book, I was almost on the verge of slipping off the chair, I placed and was standing on; that someone with warm hands engulfed me into his arms. He was strong and solid, much. The touch of that muscular, huge and tall guy sent chills to my spine. He still had a hold of me and was holding me from the small of my back. The glimpse of his hands, brushing the bruises of my skin, did wonders. I could not see his face because he was wearing a huge and over sized sweatshirt. It’s hood was almost covering his whole face. I  felt so amazing and heavenly in his arms, I can not even properly describe how it actually felt. I did not wanted him to let go off from me. But who says that you’ll get everything you desire for? Suddenly I felt myself being carefully lowered down on the floor. And the next thing I knew was, that I was safely placed on the floor and was standing on my own feet. He had turned his face away from me and was walking towards the cash counter, opposite in direction from where I was standing. I screamed a thank you from behind.His black sweatshirt had Eminem’s famous song’s lyrics printed on its back. That hinted towards him being a music and Eminem fan, just like I was. I saw him leave the store, leaving me dysfunctional and awestruck in his charm. Just in the time, I collected my things and left the store after paying for what I had bought. On the way back to home, the mystery man was all over my mind. I was so disturbed on the fact that I could not see his face or ask his name or anything, that my body shuddered and ached in disbelief. After getting myself freshen up, at the dinning table, I was still lost in my own thoughts. Where Alycia was busy telling me her all-day activities and happenings, and I wasn’t even listening nor paying attention to what she said. She had noticed my mental absence, though. But didn’t ask. Perhaps she didn’t find it appropriate, intriguing. Or maybe she waited for me to tell her, myself. HIS thoughts kept me up for a whole night.

Meanwhile, an event organizing firm had called me for an interview the next day, I met that goofy guy, since I had applied as an intern, online. I mustered all of my courage and confidence to ace the interview so that I can get through; Not tangling myself in stupid chain of thoughts and flashbacks. And I so got successful in my aim. I was hired there. Happily I was doing the not-so-literal-happy-dance. Really eager to join in and have fun with my work, I went back home. Shared every detail with my friend, who was overly joyed and overwhelmed,and shared in my happiness. The very next day, I started up with my job. I was actually enjoying it. The following week had the first assignment for me to prove myself. It was an educational exhibition that we had to organize. By that time, I was pretty much absorbed and adjusted in the environment and had made friends. There was this guy named James who had freckles on his cheeks which made him look very cute. He was a shy, tall and huge muscular guy who had this silent and mysterious expression covering his face. He had a pretty good taste  in books and music, that was an attractive aspect of him, for me!  We started to bond and mingle up, fairly soon. We were almost together in every task, and were often seen hanging up together. I was kind of emotionally being submissive to him. I liked being with him. He took care of me as I was his daughter. And that’s what I liked the most of him.He payed attention to me, listened to my blabbering and enjoyed my company, so did I. I longed to see him, lingered to talk to him. Hours seemed like seconds with him. World looked brighter when I saw him smile or laugh. His touch gave me a feeling like its fourth of July. Sight of his perfect face and his existence around me gave me premature ventricular contractions, right there in my heart.

One day,James wore a black over sized sweatshirt, exactly the same as that of the music-mystery-man wore. Also, he brought a bag to work which was a ditto look alike of the bag which HE had. THE GUY, I SOME TIME AGO, FELL IN FOR, WHO APPARENTLY SAVED ME FROM FALLING, BUT SADLY, HE COULD NOT ACTUALLY SAVE ME. The guy who was on my mind for like more than two days, and made me stay up whole night lost in his thoughts. His perfect not-so-virtual existence. The guy, I know nothing about. Gathering all my courage, I finally asked James about the music store and the incident. He accepted that he saved a careless girl from falling off the chair, sometime ago at the store. Though he couldn’t see her face ad do not know her, at all. This confession made me go Oh-so-Wo-ah. Finally I had figured it out. I had find out who my mystery man was actually. I was darn happy and excited. I thought to tell him right away, but the, I thought I would wait for the right time and make this special for both of us. So I decided to wait until the event was over. Eventually, the event was here. It was day 1. I had requested Alycia to come and check the exhibition out. She came and she really liked the stuff at the event. She also came to visit our (James’ and mine) stall. I saw James go red and blush on Alycia’s presence and sight. He was really delighted to see her. So did I. But this was something else. Not something like he has for other random visitors. I could see in his eyes. I could feel and tell. Three days of the event passed by and it was over. Alycia came all three days and appreciated our efforts despite of her busy job, because she said she liked everything about the event and she likes being in MY WORK SPACE. She liked the ambiance and people. Oh yeah, I know what did she mean! Since after this exhibition, Alycia was more often to be found with James.

I need to talk to you about something very special and oh-so-important. Will see you at the Music store sharp at four. Catch you around ❤ xx Be there. – James.

I was really joyed to see the text. I had prepared myself for the most awaited confession followed by the most special proposal of my life.I was planning things out. I started getting dressed up for the meeting. I choose a black boat shaped neck short dress for myself. Which showed much of my neck and highlighted every curve of my body, a pair of nude stockings to cover my bare legs. I let my hair loose with slight curls in them, falling down on my shoulders. Did slightest of make up. And carried a bag to compliment my entire attire. I was there right on time. James was a bit late, though. He was simple, wearing a casual black  blazer with maroon skinniness.  We sat there on cushions, were people read their books in books section.

James! You look beyond exceptions. I too have to tell you something.

Nodding in a shy and grateful rather thankful gesture, he said

I didn’t even try to look so, Madame. And I know the popular quote “Ladies First” still I won’t let you say first. Okay?  Haha. So the thing is, you know the girl Alycia, right? I like her very much. Its explainable, Maya. Are you getting me? I think, I’ve fallen for her. I LOVE HER. Now tell me, how to tell her? I don’t even know what does she thinks of me. What to do? How to do? Help me out.

Whoosh. And all my happiness, excitement went down under the vent. Just, as if I drowned with everything I had in me, with this disastrous confession. I was numb for a while. I did not know how to respond and react over this. H e didn’t even know that she’s my best friend. And we lived together and went to same school and go to same college and are class fellows. He didn’t even know the girl he saved, was me. The girl who fell in for him without even knowing him, was me. And now that he has told me that the same guy was him what could I possibly do?  Just about when I  was going to tell him that he was the one, I loved all this time,since ever we met at the store; And he goes like, Hey! I like another girl, who happens to be your bff. What am i supposed to do?

Oh wow. That’s great! Yeah I know her. Actually, we were in the same school. She likes you too. I’m certain about that. I’ve seen in her eyes. Just simply go and tell her. Everything will work out, for sure.

I suppressed my tears and left the place with a huge rush. James didn’t notice anything, luckily. The same day when I was hiding myself in self pity, Alycia came up with a glowing face. It was pretty evident that James had told her. It was the first time she Didn’t notice the odds in my behavior. Good for her. Rather, She was very busy with herself. Days past by, and I kept on seeing together. One fine day Alycia told me that THEY are dating. And she’s happy with him and I gave a fake surprised and exciting expression, as if I didn’t know.

***

That day, and today, nobody knows about the unheard emotions and feelings. I murdered them. But, Many a times, I ask myself…. WHAT IF I HAD TOLD HIM? THINGS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEY ARE AS OF TODAY.

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