Leftovers.

It was definitely high time to sought my things out, as I was given an ultimatum to evacuate the apartment I was living in. I knew this would happen sooner or later since I had resigned from my work. The firm had provided me with the accommodation. They were asking me to go beyond the line of limits, that I had made for myself. So, there you go! I bayed a bye-bye to them.Karma is a Bitch, so were they. Packing my things up efficiently was the last thing on Earth I would like to do. I geared myself up and started working on it. I was almost done with everything, that I thought was necessary to take along with me to my new living place. Just about time when I was locking the apartment safely, I heard a cracking sound down the basement. I didn’t know what was actually lying in there. It was quite a long time, I visited it. To my dimmest memory, there was sheer trash in there and things that I don’t really like or things I don’t use or I don’t need. A part of me was suggesting to go down and check if I was missing out on something, just in case.

The basement was lurid and murky, overcast by heaps of layers of dust everywhere.Illuminating it to such an extent that I may see the objects and not get myself hurt by thrashing and bumping in them. I saw a very large object, almost my height covered with a big long white cloth. Basement really contained the trash. It had tools used for gardening, those stuff which aid you to fix household things, rotten staircase, worn chairs and tables. But that area where the large mysterious object was lying and consuming dust and mud, caught my eye. I carefully unleash the cloth and to my astonishment I see a large untouched Canvas.A canvas of about 60/60 ft. It was a mixture of emotions to see the love of my life after so long. I was grieved to see it so frivolous and flimsy. I had myself seize the supply of heartiness in my life which this canvas provided. I had sabotaged its importance and worth. It stood there like it has no issues and complains and was lingering for me to come and embrace it, again. The corner nearby the canvas had some of my paintings and tools for painting. Also, some of my mater piece sketches were drowned in dismay and were decayed. Well, luckily, not to a greater disappointing extent. The feeling of the texture of the drawing sheets and their aroma was explicit. The sight of my paintings threw me down the memory lane. Oh Lord! I was so nostalgic and taken aback by so much emotions. 

I was saddened and aggressive on my routine and hectic lifestyle as to why I have been neglecting my pretty canvas and the passion I had for art. I didn’t have time for drawing or painting because I was so busy in making money and earning a healthy livelihood. #couldn’tbreakthesterotypes #anartistisafailure. #youcannotmakemoneyoutofsketches. Oh wow!Fantastic. Pretty much justified logic. I quickly grabbed everything and headed towards the exiting alley. I stopped and thought that will I be able to take time out for my canvas? Will the canvas be an unattended object somewhere consuming dust in my new house, all over again? But that was mere an afterthought. Took it to my new house, and placed it in a room where I could go and meditate while drawing. Not to forget, art gave me peace from inside. 

I knew I had many other “leftovers” in my life that seek my attention. May it be the red mailbox or the closet full of untouched clothes or shoes or the drafts label of my blog or my email. 

Oh God! Give me strength to discover the other ‘leftovers’ sooner. 

*** What a content and satisfaction it is to work on something you really love*** 

 

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If I had told him.

images“I really like sleeping. It’s like having the best of both the worlds. You get to be unconscious, yet alive.  Dreaming is a bonus! A cherry on top of a cake.”

I woke up with a thump at my door. I knew it was her, Alycia! It was definitely her. She was a blonde sharing my studio apartment. She and I went to the same college. She was more of  a responsible and reasonable person, contrary to me. I was (admitting it shamelessly, though) much of a ruthless and irresponsible being. Life happens to you and it demands you to live it as if no tomorrow. When nobody knows whats going to happen the next second, why plan your whole life, then? That is what I believe. Whereas, she was pretty organized and well planned sort of a person.

We have had been very good friends since we went to same school and now we were sharing our college too. Also, the apartment.We were off from college for the for the Christmas. I was very much into music and event management. She, on the other hand, liked cooking and baking. To support me with the apartment and college expense, she started to work at a coffee shop. Boredom forced me to look for some activity for myself. I would starve myself and die (if I had to) but not comprise on buying myself some quality music records and some lavish books. So this urge pushed me to a music store, which had books too, nearby. Walking along the sea shore on a chilly and snowy evening, under the cloudy sky at a  temperature of -20 degrees was certainly not a good idea. But that was merely an after thought, anyway. Pink Floyd had just released their new album that I was looking forward to buy. As I entered the door of the music store, the heated air from the inside of the store, braced me. Trust me, that was a heaven on earth. I quickly grabbed the albums, I was looking for. Now it was time for searching the books. I was recklessly digging out books from their respective shelves, that I saw a  book by Daniel Steel on a higher shelf. Struggling hard to have an access to the book, I was almost on the verge of slipping off the chair, I placed and was standing on; that someone with warm hands engulfed me into his arms. He was strong and solid, much. The touch of that muscular, huge and tall guy sent chills to my spine. He still had a hold of me and was holding me from the small of my back. The glimpse of his hands, brushing the bruises of my skin, did wonders. I could not see his face because he was wearing a huge and over sized sweatshirt. It’s hood was almost covering his whole face. I  felt so amazing and heavenly in his arms, I can not even properly describe how it actually felt. I did not wanted him to let go off from me. But who says that you’ll get everything you desire for? Suddenly I felt myself being carefully lowered down on the floor. And the next thing I knew was, that I was safely placed on the floor and was standing on my own feet. He had turned his face away from me and was walking towards the cash counter, opposite in direction from where I was standing. I screamed a thank you from behind.His black sweatshirt had Eminem’s famous song’s lyrics printed on its back. That hinted towards him being a music and Eminem fan, just like I was. I saw him leave the store, leaving me dysfunctional and awestruck in his charm. Just in the time, I collected my things and left the store after paying for what I had bought. On the way back to home, the mystery man was all over my mind. I was so disturbed on the fact that I could not see his face or ask his name or anything, that my body shuddered and ached in disbelief. After getting myself freshen up, at the dinning table, I was still lost in my own thoughts. Where Alycia was busy telling me her all-day activities and happenings, and I wasn’t even listening nor paying attention to what she said. She had noticed my mental absence, though. But didn’t ask. Perhaps she didn’t find it appropriate, intriguing. Or maybe she waited for me to tell her, myself. HIS thoughts kept me up for a whole night.

Meanwhile, an event organizing firm had called me for an interview the next day, I met that goofy guy, since I had applied as an intern, online. I mustered all of my courage and confidence to ace the interview so that I can get through; Not tangling myself in stupid chain of thoughts and flashbacks. And I so got successful in my aim. I was hired there. Happily I was doing the not-so-literal-happy-dance. Really eager to join in and have fun with my work, I went back home. Shared every detail with my friend, who was overly joyed and overwhelmed,and shared in my happiness. The very next day, I started up with my job. I was actually enjoying it. The following week had the first assignment for me to prove myself. It was an educational exhibition that we had to organize. By that time, I was pretty much absorbed and adjusted in the environment and had made friends. There was this guy named James who had freckles on his cheeks which made him look very cute. He was a shy, tall and huge muscular guy who had this silent and mysterious expression covering his face. He had a pretty good taste  in books and music, that was an attractive aspect of him, for me!  We started to bond and mingle up, fairly soon. We were almost together in every task, and were often seen hanging up together. I was kind of emotionally being submissive to him. I liked being with him. He took care of me as I was his daughter. And that’s what I liked the most of him.He payed attention to me, listened to my blabbering and enjoyed my company, so did I. I longed to see him, lingered to talk to him. Hours seemed like seconds with him. World looked brighter when I saw him smile or laugh. His touch gave me a feeling like its fourth of July. Sight of his perfect face and his existence around me gave me premature ventricular contractions, right there in my heart.

One day,James wore a black over sized sweatshirt, exactly the same as that of the music-mystery-man wore. Also, he brought a bag to work which was a ditto look alike of the bag which HE had. THE GUY, I SOME TIME AGO, FELL IN FOR, WHO APPARENTLY SAVED ME FROM FALLING, BUT SADLY, HE COULD NOT ACTUALLY SAVE ME. The guy who was on my mind for like more than two days, and made me stay up whole night lost in his thoughts. His perfect not-so-virtual existence. The guy, I know nothing about. Gathering all my courage, I finally asked James about the music store and the incident. He accepted that he saved a careless girl from falling off the chair, sometime ago at the store. Though he couldn’t see her face ad do not know her, at all. This confession made me go Oh-so-Wo-ah. Finally I had figured it out. I had find out who my mystery man was actually. I was darn happy and excited. I thought to tell him right away, but the, I thought I would wait for the right time and make this special for both of us. So I decided to wait until the event was over. Eventually, the event was here. It was day 1. I had requested Alycia to come and check the exhibition out. She came and she really liked the stuff at the event. She also came to visit our (James’ and mine) stall. I saw James go red and blush on Alycia’s presence and sight. He was really delighted to see her. So did I. But this was something else. Not something like he has for other random visitors. I could see in his eyes. I could feel and tell. Three days of the event passed by and it was over. Alycia came all three days and appreciated our efforts despite of her busy job, because she said she liked everything about the event and she likes being in MY WORK SPACE. She liked the ambiance and people. Oh yeah, I know what did she mean! Since after this exhibition, Alycia was more often to be found with James.

I need to talk to you about something very special and oh-so-important. Will see you at the Music store sharp at four. Catch you around ❤ xx Be there. – James.

I was really joyed to see the text. I had prepared myself for the most awaited confession followed by the most special proposal of my life.I was planning things out. I started getting dressed up for the meeting. I choose a black boat shaped neck short dress for myself. Which showed much of my neck and highlighted every curve of my body, a pair of nude stockings to cover my bare legs. I let my hair loose with slight curls in them, falling down on my shoulders. Did slightest of make up. And carried a bag to compliment my entire attire. I was there right on time. James was a bit late, though. He was simple, wearing a casual black  blazer with maroon skinniness.  We sat there on cushions, were people read their books in books section.

James! You look beyond exceptions. I too have to tell you something.

Nodding in a shy and grateful rather thankful gesture, he said

I didn’t even try to look so, Madame. And I know the popular quote “Ladies First” still I won’t let you say first. Okay?  Haha. So the thing is, you know the girl Alycia, right? I like her very much. Its explainable, Maya. Are you getting me? I think, I’ve fallen for her. I LOVE HER. Now tell me, how to tell her? I don’t even know what does she thinks of me. What to do? How to do? Help me out.

Whoosh. And all my happiness, excitement went down under the vent. Just, as if I drowned with everything I had in me, with this disastrous confession. I was numb for a while. I did not know how to respond and react over this. H e didn’t even know that she’s my best friend. And we lived together and went to same school and go to same college and are class fellows. He didn’t even know the girl he saved, was me. The girl who fell in for him without even knowing him, was me. And now that he has told me that the same guy was him what could I possibly do?  Just about when I  was going to tell him that he was the one, I loved all this time,since ever we met at the store; And he goes like, Hey! I like another girl, who happens to be your bff. What am i supposed to do?

Oh wow. That’s great! Yeah I know her. Actually, we were in the same school. She likes you too. I’m certain about that. I’ve seen in her eyes. Just simply go and tell her. Everything will work out, for sure.

I suppressed my tears and left the place with a huge rush. James didn’t notice anything, luckily. The same day when I was hiding myself in self pity, Alycia came up with a glowing face. It was pretty evident that James had told her. It was the first time she Didn’t notice the odds in my behavior. Good for her. Rather, She was very busy with herself. Days past by, and I kept on seeing together. One fine day Alycia told me that THEY are dating. And she’s happy with him and I gave a fake surprised and exciting expression, as if I didn’t know.

***

That day, and today, nobody knows about the unheard emotions and feelings. I murdered them. But, Many a times, I ask myself…. WHAT IF I HAD TOLD HIM? THINGS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEY ARE AS OF TODAY.

Stop fooling yourself.

28-friends-quoteOnly once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world upside down. You tell them things that you’re never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for future, dreams that will never come true, the goals that were never achieved and many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you’re hurting, or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you’re not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quite calmness when they’re around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most of the people such a note, song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.  Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid, it’s being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always bring a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for a continuous conversation, but you find yourself quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is special to you. You think of this person every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be a broken day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasures, so real that it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal till the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is knowing that they are a part of your life. It’s not a bullshit Bollywood romance movie. Stop fooling yourself. Prettier than the prettiest. Friendship above all.

Little did I know.

Recently I worked with a cancer hospital, I was happy and enjoying my work. Not knowing the reality and brutality of the disease, neither the misery of the patients. One fine day, while roaming around in the hospital I entered an intensive care unit for the last stage patients. Like a stray dog wandering in the streets, I stepped in a room shared by two Angels. One was named Aleesha and the other was named Ali. I stopped and started looking at the beautiful and angelic face of a three year old baby girl suffering from this fatal disease. She had a perfect round face and awestruck features which made the beautiful combination of God’s creation. She had exuberant hazel Brown eyes which she occasionally rolled. She was shy when I was around, lying on her hospital patient bed, wearing her nice blue patient gown; that had cartoons on it. Maybe she wasn’t shy, rather was afraid. She might have mistaken me as one of the hospital staff there to take her blood sample. I tried my best to make her comfortable but couldn’t nail the goal. Thinking hard, I put the television on and tuned into a cartoon channel. I saw her from the corner of my eye, enjoying them. But she got bored pretty soon. I, then offered her some colors and a paper to draw on and color it. Initially she was reluctant, but then, she did as I said. I took her to a play room specially made for the child patients.UCWHUSi
Soon I saw tiredness and pain on her face, which made me realise that she is a patient here, fighting against cancer. Exerting her more than she could bear, isn’t a great idea, so made her sleep. Before falling asleep, she had this one question on her mind that she kept asking her parents was:  mama! Hum Ghar kab jaein gay?  Her mother replied: kal, beta. She, in a disappointed tone, being dim and dizzy said: Aap roz hi yahi kehti hain. 

This made me and her mother shred tears. I asked the young women, Alreesha’s mother, who would be hardly in her late twenties about Aleesha’s disease. I was saddened to know that she had it by birth. And she has been fighting against it since a year and six months, since the diagnosis. She doesn’t like the hospital and the environment and wants to go back home, but she can’t.

I sat beside her, glancing her innocent face. What was her fault? She can’t have chocolates like other children of her age can. She can’t play like the other kids. She can’t go to school just like others. She can not cherish her childhood.She couldn’t have long and thick hair on her head like the other girls would like to have. Her questions go unanswered. WHY? Her parents have to lie to her. They have to see her die, daily. Because she had cancer. I felt ashamed of my existence. I can’t help her. Infact none could. I want to cry and scream and tell her she was perfect. She was beautiful. The master piece of God’s creation even if she didn’t have hair on her head. Even when her scalp had scars. She was my angel. One thing she made me ponder was;When life gives you dirt, grow flowers. I wanted to hold her hands and say to her that she dont have to see the whole staircase, she just have to see and take the first step. I was so observant, that I did not see ANY sign of panic or worry on her face. She was happy and carefree as if she had no complains. She made me realise that everything has beauty and prove the pain that heart can heal the wounds. Her smile was breathtaking. Her laughter had so much meaning. ” one day without laughter is a day wasted.” She grinned and smirked while sleeping is If she would conquer the world. She has been waking up everyday and proving life wrong. She has taught me the lesson of faith that one has to get up one day and prepare to face the next day. Life is too short to worry and cramp yourselves out of anxiety caused by our hectic lifestyle. She didn’t loose hope every single time her mother told her that they’ll go home the next day. She dreamt even when she woke up.

That three year old taught me lessons of three decades of life. I bet, I wouldn’t have been able to realize and learn half of the things I learned that day, in all of my life. I am not even an inch brave as of her. I am not. That day, I grew. I really did. All this time when I was busy with Aleesha, I forgot about Ali. The boy, I checked upon when I stepped in the very place. The boy whose blood Sample was being taken at the time. He was weak and triumphed. He was a good looking boy with explicit features, lying in agony and dismay on his patient bed. I left him with a switched on television and got busy with Aleesha, who excitedly showed me her gown which she thought was torn off. Little did she know about hospital patients gowns, I must say. All that time Ali was fighting against the pain. He didn’t have any family member along him neither any visitor. He was all alone by himself. And there, I also left him. When I burst out of the train of thoughts while sitting next to Aleesha, I came to see Ali. And to my worst nightmares, I find him dead on his bed. Lying there without the soul in his body. I couldn’t interpret what I just saw. Panicking and calling the doctors all over the place. The Doctor gave me a disappointed look and I fell on the floor. Assuming and blaming myself for the incident, but who could deny that it was meant to be this way. Destiny it was. I was taken out of the intensive care unit sometime after he passed away and his Janazah was taken to Qabaristaan.

***
I couldn’t believe what has happened in the last few days. But one thing I know is Jo karta hai Allah karta hai, aur Allah behtar karta hai. 

Blood Cancer Patient

A Peace loving society and its men? What a pity.

In this hopeless world, where everything seems mild and timid and is covered with the crudeness and absurdity of an expression called extremism and hatred. No one gives a damn about a person dying next door. They don’t really care if the baby they saw on the streets is hungry. They aren’t affected by the problems and troubles others are facing. One thing that makes my mind wander a lot is it is pretty fascinating or mind boggling that there is roughly more than one class in every society; one class rules over the other. Richer is always the richer, and poor’s condition gets worse day by day; successively. When I was a child, I was taught “What goes around comes around.” and “As you soe, shall you reap.” But that really never happened. I mean, I never saw that coming. If you ask me, I would declare the hatred and extremism pretty much justifiable. The boy on the street who is hungry, watching others eat up to their fill in their luxuries cars having fun and not caring about him and his misery will definitely rebel and obstinate. Ever heard of term ‘relative sense of deprivation’? The boy I just mentioned is suffering from this inferiority complex. How come you think he will not pick up pockets? How could he not commit theft? How could he stay safe from indulging himself in drugs? How on this Earth makes you think that he’ll play a positive role in the development of the society; A peace loving society. HOW? Do you really expect such positive things from a child whose childhood has been wasted on the streets; begging just to keep him from starving? So that he and his family do not die? I feel pity on your thinking, Sir.

The love-hate relationship.

The love-hate relationship is very cliche’. We all know where and how these things end. People mistake the real meaning of hatred. They all believe it to be the opposite or the absence of love. But little did they know, it is not so. It is as strong as love. Lets just be real; You will never hate on someone without any reason. It has deeper meaning and deeper meaning only means deeper emotions. Hate, truth be told, is more bothering than love. For you think of the person you hate more than you love. One may hate upon someone because they adore them and cant be like them. Or may be, the love them the most. They might think about the person they hate, more than anything they love.There’s a very thin line, parting both the emotions.

Being bitter is really not the solution. It is not actually in your favor. You’re just fooling yourself and .feeding your mind with stupid non-sense things just to satisfy your ego instead of letting go. 

So, live life, love life and say no to hatred. No one deserves hate. this word is in itself a very harsh word that can shatter one’s world apart.